I have decided I will do this diary as if it were a secret.
But of course you will all see it.
WAKE UP – didn’t go so well turned my alarm off and went back to sleep.
GET THE F*** UP AND LEAVE THE HOUSE – successful
GET TO REHEARSAL SPACE – got a bit lost
GET ASKED IF I FOUND THE SPACE OK – say yes – don’t want to be awkward.
Day one begins. I have already told my first lie. I think this is actually a good thing, after all I am making a show about lying. I can say i feel confident in the fact that everyone currently thinks I found the space ok.
Chris, Sheena and myself discuss how I feel about and what I want out of this week.
I say I am excited. I say I expected to have already had written my show. We laugh. I believe they think it is a joke. I say ‘no of course I’m joking’. I later reflect on this as a positive example of my ability to lie.
I consider this progress.
Chris and Sheena then spend the rest of the morning getting me to lie for 15 minutes at a time. I enjoy this exercise. It is a great opportunity to start openly speaking without criticism, of what may come forward.
This definitely gave me a little insight to the issues of using self criticism as procrastination.
But, as this is my diary I will confess. I found this difficult. More difficult then I found actually lying to them that day.
When filmed and timed I told a series of elaborate not very convincing lies.
HOWEVER these are a list of lies a actually told on day one.
I found the space easily.
I do not want another coffee.
I am fine with the temperature of the room.
I think I know the direction I am going in.
Usually I am very nervous, but today I am more excited.
WAKE UP – a set 6 alarms this morning and still managed to be running late
GET THE F*** OUT OF THE HOUSE – Successful made my train
FIND THE SPACE – thought I had it all sorted so got a coffee but got lost again
MEET CHRIS AND SHEENA – luckily they were running late
Told C&S I had been at the space for half an hour had only been there 7 minutes before they arrived.
No one suspects a thing.
We practice lying again – although this isn’t real lying this is more an effective tool for pushing my normal comfort zone of performing within a concentrated group of people. This is an excellent tool and one I will continually use.
This is also the day I meet my mentor
Ursula arrives. I have convinced myself I am the only capable liar in the room. I think this is true on her arrival. However it would be naive to say she hasn’t clocked this.
We spend some time talking.
We look at styles if lying, people who have lied, the lies they have told. It’s very interesting – It confirms my belief everyone is a liar.
I continue to lie.
Lies I have told on day two.
I believe she has seen straight through me.
I wake up.
I go to rehearsals.
I have successfully got up and left the house on time.
The train stopped moving for 23 minutes.
I am not sure why.
I saw the southend of Millwall football ground and various South Western train services pass me by.
I am unconvinced that it was because the railway lines were not working.
This means I arrived 13 minutes late.
I consider this an achievement – given southeastern trains dubious claims of punctuality.
Today has really been one of the most vital points of my performative development.
I learnt a great deal about the extent to which I can lie and present this as a living conceit.
My initial lies were challenged and I was forced to think harder about how to present my lies by the mentor, who was extremely astute in pointing out how I should present my lies in a way that they would hold substance, and yet still be lies.
Today I lied less than usual.
Perhaps I am making progress.
Perhaps I am becoming less convincing.
Even an inveterate liar can’t begin to describe how difficult this was to lay down.
I don’t know what to write anymore. Yesterday I believed I was the best liar around. Today I am concerned I am too honest.
The techniques I have learnt from Drunken Chorus and Ursula, have enabled me to engage with the performance and theoretical aspects of my act. As a consequence I have been able to perform openly and without self criticism – something I was unable to do beforehand.
So I am left with the question: Do I become true to myself as an artist or remain a liar.
I will probably remain a liar.
But between me and you, 😉 I’ve enjoyed flirting with honesty.
Throughout this process I have developed techniques that have been hugely beneficial to myself as a solo artist.
I feel confident in undertaking rehearsals by myself, something at the beginning of the week I would have avoided.
I have worked out many issues over the week.
And I have realised, at heart, I am a liar.